January 2012
42 posts
Class Cancel'd!
My French class was cancelled. Now I have no plans for the day.
Can someone explain to me why the most popular...
Sorry for party rocking. I will augment my programming so that it won’t happen again, Dave.
Hey You, Do You Want More Content Here?
Of course you do. You love reading about my hilarious adventures in and around Ottawa.
The problem, my friends, is that I don’t often have a lot to talk about. So if you want to hear some stories about some things, please, shoot me something via my “ask” box.
Seriously, if you write me something— people who aren’t Tumblr users can do this too— I’ll...
"An American president who can create a...
Newt Gingrich, you so crazy.
This place is the best. It's a shame they are... →
Where else can you buy grass fed beef? Jeez!
2 tags
Internet-Age Problems
You know you’re spoiled when you’re annoyed that Big Bang Theory is coming down faster than Parks and Recreation.
The Conn Man: Part 5
I. The men’s locker room and group showers at the YMCA I go to are usually pretty busy.
II. Everyone, like me, seems to be in that bizarre pseudo-in shape look of kind of being half chubby. There are a lot of tribal tattoos on backs, legs, arms, chests, faces.
III. To quote Ginsberg: Cock and endless balls.
IV. The sauna is one of the oddest things, though. Many are vehemently...
ATTENTION BEAVCO. EMPLOYEES
ONE WEEK STARRING JOSHUA JACKSON IS NOW ON NETFLIX.
PLAY SPOT THE BEAVCO. PRODUCTS IN THE MOVIE AND WIN*
*Lose
Ughhhhh I just want to lay on a Victorian Fainting...
Maybe I’ll just do that on my regular ol’ contemporary couch.
Yeeeh.
Apple's Favourite LCD Soundsystem Song
Me: Oh look, I created a genius playlist and iTunes picked an LCD Soundsystem song.
Carly: Really? Which one?
Me: Oh I'm not sure. Let me look.
Carly: Is it "All My Friends"?
Me: Yes! It is! Because it always picks "All My Friends"! I'm SICK OF ALL OF MY FRIENDS. I HATE MY FRIENDS BECAUSE OF iTUNES NOW.
But seriously, Apple. There are other LCD Soundsystem songs in my library... like... all of them.
No, Seriously.
Adele should throw Lana Del Rey off of something for stealing her shit.
CUBAN LINX STYLE!
Californication Season 5
So basically… They just surround Hank with people even more despicable than he is in order to make him more likeable.
Charlie keeps inexplicably getting laid. It makes no sense. However, it makes sense that he’s into sexual humiliation.
Karen has stopped being a person completely. She is a sexual plaything for Bates, while she is just there to giggle and fawn over Hank.
Marcie and...
Is it just me, or does Lana Del Rey sound like...
I’m skeptical about her. I find her suspect.
But don’t forget: The Strokes were Trustafarians too.
Spend an hour of your life listening to this. →
It’s freaky-deaky.
A dude travels to China to visit the Foxconn factory in Shenzhen, where apparently there are 20 cafeterias that can serve up to 10,000 people daily, people get hands crushed while manufacturing MacBook Pros, and 13 year olds wipe down iPhones by hand.
I seem to talk a lot about business practices right now. I wonder what’s up with that?
How about a steaming hot cup of Karma?
The other day I confessed to perpetrating environmental crimes against the go… er… a certain organization’s men’s rooms. I realize that sounds a lot worse than it is, so I’ll clarify and say that I confessed to dumping my press-cup’s coffee grounds into the ill-equipped sinks in the men’s room of a downtown building.
At the time, I felt no guilt or shame,...
The Conn Man: Part 4
I. I love the song “Last Friday Night” by Katy Perry.
II. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I never really had a “go crazy ahhhhhh college college college!” phase, nor did I have really a ‘bad’ phase in High School; going to parties that were broken up by police, going skinny dipping, using fake IDs to buy liquor—these are foreign concepts...
An Insensitive Comparison, and a Confession
A while ago I talked about my new Bodum Travel Press, which I was a big fan of.
As some of you may know, I have a job with a certain… privilege… to access certain floors of certain buildings owned by a certain well known organization. I won’t get specific.
However, this organization that I am affiliated with also comes down on the pro-Tarsands side of the coin, whereas...
Every time I try to type...
…the budgie tries to fuck my hands.
What a bastard.
Diamonds on my neck,
Diamonds on my grill.
"Carly is the Wu-Tang of girlfriends. Your...
—Ol’ Dirty Matt
Breaking News: My Lunch Uses Duck Fat, Portobello,...
Delicious.
I mean, who hasn't used at least one of these? →
The Conn Man: Part 3
I: Gilda and I sat in her car, a smoky haze around us. I pull out my eye drops, a pack of gum, a 30 ml container of CanHome Brand Hand Sanitizer, then I stub out into my English Silver Cigarette Case, along with a few other rolled pieces of cardboard, charred at one end among a field of green entrails from previous adventures.
II: For the redness. For the smokiness. For the ashes. For Later.
...
Medium Meta
I find it really weird when people post photos of the trending topics list on Twitter. It’s similar to tweeting that something is trending, but really, there must be a term for media begetting more media based on an event that could only ever happen in that medium.
It’s kind of like a top ten top ten list, or Girl Talk—pop music made using pop music.
One side of me wants to say...
What was that?
“The Conn Man” will be an irregular feature I will have on my blog from now until I get sick of it. It will be a heavily fictionalized version of events from my life thrown through an alternate scope, typically little short guys like the two you had earlier.
No, today’s earlier post is nothing to be alarmed about. I just want to start writing fiction again, and since nothing...
1 tag
The Conn Man: Part 1 / 2
I: Nothing is less attractive than those amateur porn videos where teenage girls insert their hairbrushes. If you’re too young to afford a proper sex toy, you’re too young to expose yourself to strangers on the internet, and I am far too old to be watching you.
II: Always browse in incognito.
III: Why are you on 4chan anyway?
—
I: The important thing to remember as an...
This is a Direct Reply to Hannah, but you all can...
First things first, 1990s faux-rap club hits.
I mean, club whistles. Club whistles.
Anyway. Now that’s been clarified.
I suffer from a not uncommon problem of having an over-abundance of music. My complete collection of physical media is documented, but as we all know, everyone seems to download everything. Then we all feel nostalgic for the 90s when we had to go to the record store and...
December 2011
19 posts
i'm doomed!
gilding-the-lily:
the awkward moment when your mother discovers that your finished the bottle of wine from dinner.
“do you do that alot?” she asks.
“no,” i reply stubbornly, lying through my teeth.
Usually it’s the box, innit?
ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS
10/10 - Would Press Again →
Single-handedly the best travel mug experience I’ve ever had, my parents got me a Bodum Travel Press for Christmas. It’s a travel mug where you do the press IN THE CUP, and then go.
It’s a perfect size for me. A Starbucks Tall (8 oz) is never enough, and a Starbucks Grande is (often) too much (16 oz). This guy comes in at 15 oz capacity.
It has fantastic insulation. I left it...
1 tag
Haven't been to Dunrobin in a while.
But it’s good to know that I left my Tumblr signed in. Saved me the rigmarole of having to remember my password.
Merry xxx-mas y’all.
Just saying, Go Daddy has the worst logo I have...
Ever.
Seriously Easy-Going Season's Greetings
So it’s the 21st of December. I’ve been on holiday break for about a week now from work, and in that time I’ve gotten a whole lot of stuff done, although I’m seriously trying to plow through The National Dream, because that’s been on my reading list for quite some time.
It seems really typical for North Americans to get stressed out over the whole rigmarole of the...